The Return

Hello People

It has been quite awhile since I last posted anything cancer related, but this hiatus with these words has come to an end. Various reasons can be attributed to the lack of reading material but generally these can be separated into two distinct groups, I was too busy and I was too lazy. A fun fact to note on this subject is that I am days a way from reaching three years out of treatment, which made me a least deal with the 'too lazy' side of my life, the busyness side though like most things in life is out of my control.

Rather than jumping straight in, if I may steal just a second of your time I'll do a quick recap. I'll try a be succinct don't worry. Rugby. Ow. Internet. Doctor. Tests. Fondling. More fondling. Even More Fondling. Ultrasound. Sinister Mass. Sadness. Family.
Is everyone caught up? Good lets continue.


The last topic breached in blog was the wonderful conversation I had with Dr Bishop. If you can remember his bed side manner was excellent and his choice of words just exemplary. We left with tears in our eyes as his wonderfulness could move even the most emotionally heartless. It was more or less like that anyway, stress on the word less. If you have taken a glance back at the previous blogs you'd find the state in which we left that room was not exactly ideal. Neither me nor my mother really understood anything other than there was something SINISTER. (N.B the excellent choice of word).
Our next task was to rectify this.

The following day my mother called Dr White. In case you can't recall, he was the original doctor, the administrator of the initial testicular touching. He used slightly more medical words in his diagnosis though as with the tradition up to this point avoided the C-word. Well he avoided using the word directly to me, he did quite nicely tell us some facts about how quickly the body can succumb to certain cancers and urged urgency on the off chance I found myself confronted with this worst case scenario. He certainly walked the line between helpfulness and scaremongering.

Off the back of this conservation we found ourselves once more in the Chesterfield Royal Hospital. I use the word we as now that my whole family knew we could make a thing of it. WHOOP!! WHOOP!! FAMILY OUTING!! Well everyone but my brother, he had school. Attendance is important. Stay in school kids. Rather than tell you specifically about this one appointment I am going to merge it with several others because they all sort of follow the same archetype.

1. Pleasantries:  This involves the basic human social interactions. Hello. How are you? Have you had a nice weekend? You all know the stuff, its the same no matter what your doing.
2. Touching: This is the section were I yet again prove how inept I am at removing clothes. Honestly I would be the worst stripper ever. A thing to note as well is this section can be merged with Step 1 just to maximise the level of awkwardness.
3. Dressing: This is my favourite step as this involves me putting my clothes back on. Trust me there isn't a better feeling than trying to grasp back your dignity.
4. Talking:  This stage is rather dry as this is all information. Results from previous appointments. More tests they want to do. What this means for me. It goes on but I think you get the gist of it.
5. Pleasantries: This marks the end of the appointment and as conforming to social norms involves the whole goodbye spiel. Have a nice weekend. Good to see you. See you next time. Again this section applies more to life than just doctors appointments.

Another fun fact is if the appointment involves multiple doctors Step 2 has to be repeated for all. You'd think just the first doctor could have a gander and give a report of their findings, though this is where you're wrong. To make sure all doctors feel they have contributed to the appointment and to avoid any Doctor believing themself the chief fondler they all get a turn. Not only that but if halfway through step 4 the patient is looking comfortable it is necessary to return to step 2 as the experience can't have been awkward enough the first time around. In case I wasn't clear I spend a lot of time half naked on a bed with a hand on my balls.

Rather than head on and overload you with information I feel a break is in order. If you can wait a while there's much more fun to be had. There's Doctors, knives, drugs, no dragons though, dragons are about the one thing my story is lacking. Anyway, sorry once again for the long wait in narrative hopefully the next one will be within the current century, no promises though. Until next time.