Six

Hello People

In this blog I am going to venture into virgin territory, I'm going to talk about my feelings. To those who don't know me maybe you think talking about my feelings is a normal everyday occurrence but those who do, know the truth and understand the gravity of the situation. I am going to talk about my feelings is a phrase I thought and hoped I'd never have to say, but for the sake of a truthful narrative about cancer lets venture into uncharted waters.

To make understanding this blog easier and to condense my feelings into a sentence I felt like shit. I tried to think of a better way to word and describe my feelings but that sentence summarises everything I wanted to say to a tee, but I guess you'll want more details.




Obviously the thing I should have been worried about was the sinister mass lurking in my testicle but to be honest my mind was occupied with something else. To my Dad I had said nothing, but I was still a liar. Don't get me wrong I never outwardly lied and spun a ridiculous tale but what I had done was nothing and this was potentially as bad. Trust is a frail thing, hard to gain but easy to lose and due to the fact I neglected to tell my father about my health concerns, I had shown a lack of trust in him. The sinister mass was but a trifle in comparison. I had no control over my testicle and the diseases and illness it chooses to contract, but the distribution of the truth was something I could control and I had not included my Dad in its telling.

Foresight would have been great at this time. What I really wanted to know was how my Dad was going to react when I told him, and I also needed to know the best time to tell him, which lets be honest should have been a week ago. I however do not have the skill of precognition and had to rely instead on my own brain to calculate my Dad' reaction. The result's were not great. I tried to imagine myself in his shoes. If I had struggled and fought to drag up a son only to have him show such a blatant lack of trust, I would not take to it that kindly. To cut the story short I came to the conclusion I was going to get disowned and banished to live on the streets for the rest of my days.

Thinking is my problem. More specifically over thinking. Looking closer as to why I didn't spill the beans instantly it becomes clear, I thought. I thought my situation would become a comedy routine so instead remained mute. Every time I had the opportunity to bare my soul, I thought about it and decided to the contrary and remained silent. Even now I was thinking, I was thinking of the repercussions, trying to convince myself to yet again keep the metaphorical cat firmly shut away safe and sound within the bag. I had done wrong and my brain could not save me from this one. I told the truth.

The Pattison family held a clan meet and I was the topic of conversation. People say that telling the truth sets you free but that is not how I felt. I felt naked, the lies and half truths I had built up around me had been ripped down and I was stranded in the open about to face the fiery vengeance of Father. My life flashed before my eyes and I closed my eyes waiting for the darkness to take me. Seconds past, minutes followed, I was still alive. I patted myself down. I was still in one piece. None of my limbs had been torn off and used to pummel my unmoving, unbreathing body. There was no sharp objects protruding from me and my skin was left unbruised and unblemished and I certainly hadn't been beaten to within an inch of my life. I was still alive.

Needless to say I have exaggerated a little bit with my story. The essence remains the same though. I was expecting the worst and thankfully I was disappointed. Don't get me wrong I was not by any stretch of the imagination of the hook, but for now something a little more pressing took precedence. One possible outcome that my brain had overlooked and omitted was that there was a chance that my Dad would care more about my wellbeing than the fact I had left him out of the loop. Yet another prime example as to why my thinking is my fatal flaw.

I don't know if anything in there can be classed as feeling but that's generally about as close as I can manage. Just incase I haven't quite proven to you my reluctance to talk about my feelings take note It has taken me over three weeks to scribble all this down. I apologise for the wait and I am hoping just as much as you that we can return to something slightly more factual in the weeks to come, they seem to flow from my fingers a little bit quicker. "I'll be back."